Christmas Miracles
by kyouko68
Summary: Sanji and Zoro wonder through a frozen waistland and finds something they didnt expect to see. No pairings, but really funny.


**I know it's a little late, but I recreantly made a Christmas special fanfic. Though this particular story does not have any intended pairings, mostly just humor and friendship as you already know, but it does have lots of Family Guy moments from the Christmas special**_** Rode to the North Pole**_**. Those have not seen that episode; you are in for a lot of laughing. I know I was.**

**Christmas miracles **

It was almost Christmas time and crew put up decorations around the Thousand Sunny. This will be they're first Christmas since they're two year reunion. The two trees on the deck were decorated with lights and ordainments. The mast also had giant strings of tinsel wrapped around it.

Everyone sat on the grass covered deck writing up their Christmas list to Santa. "Happy almost birthday Chopper!" Luffy said to the small reindeer. "What are you wishing for Christmas?"

"I'm gonna ask Santa-sama for tons and tons of Cotton Candy!" he chirped happily.

"I know what I want! Meat, meat and nothin' but meat! Pork, chicken, beef! Mmm!" Luffy drooled.

"I want a new pair of goggles. The ones I had broke in our last battle." said Usopp.

"What are you wishing for Navigator-san?" Robin asked Nami.

"A pony." she said sweetly. Everyone looked at her as if she were crazy.

"Really?" Usopp said skeptically.

"With saddlebags full of money!" she finished. Everyone sweat-dropped.

"I could use some new cutlery for the kitchen." Sanji said as he wrote it down on his list. "A knife sharpener would be nice as well."

"You're actually writing a letter." Zoro questioned the blonde cook. "I didn't think that _you'd_ believe in Santa clause."

"Hey, you're talking to the guy who believes in the All Blue, of course I believe in Santa-sama." Sanji responded. "You should write one too come on Zoro don't be such a scrooge."

"And act like some four-year-old. Chyeah right." Zoro huffed.

"Yohohoho! I'm wishing for a stocking full of panties!" Brook sang. Nami hit him over the head giving him a lump on his afro.

"I want some super~ upgrades for my parts!" Franky said striking a pose.

"Sanji~ are those cookies ready yet?" Luffy whined.

"Just about, Captn'" Sanji replied.

"Yosh!"

The whole day was filled with christmas cheer as everyone celebrated the day ahead. Everyone mailed there letters to the news coo with anticipation.

Zoro was up in the crow's nest training like usual. This time he was training because of the sudden change of weather outside. Nami did say that they were heading towards a winter island; maybe they were just getting closer to it.

Who could tell what kind of island this will be. They were in the New World after all.

Zoro glanced outside the window with his good eye. "Speak of the devil." he muttered. A small blur of an island came to sight. It had started to snow as well. Zoro put down his weight and walked over to the transponder snail.

"I see an island up ahead." he spoke into the mic. Zoro could hear the excitement coming from down below. When Zoro joined them, everyone was wearing a jacket except for Franky and Luffy. "Aren't you cold, Luffy?" Zoro asked his oblivious captain. Luffy looked at him in confusion until the rubber boy started to shiver.

"I-it's f-f-freezing!" he stuttered wrapping his arms around himself. Zoro rolled his eyes at his dimwitted captain.

When they finally made it to the island, it turned out to be incredibly cold there. It was so cold that even Chopper was complaining about it. Ice bordered the island so they had to ancor where the ice was thick enough to be walked on. "This place looks like nothing but a baren wasteland." Sanji commented. Everyone wanted to stay on the ship for the time being because there was a huge storm going on. Everyone except for Luffy, Sanji, Zoro, and Usopp.

Luffy wanted to go because he claimed that he was too excited to wait any longer. Zoro decided to go as well. Sanji went to look out for the idiots and Usopp came because he wanted to prove himself as 'not a cowered'.

"I guess we should split up to cover more ground." Sanji suggested.

"Good idea! Usopp and I will go-

"Wait, hold on. Are you insisting that I'm stuck with this Marimo!"

"Say what! Don't make me slice you! I don't like it as much as you do, but don't you question the captain!"

"Captain's boy." Sanji muttered.

"What did you say!"

"And they're gone." Sanji noticed that Luffy a Usopp were no longer with them.

"Great now I'm stuck with Curly-brow!" Zoro grumbled.

"You know what-!" A big gust of freezing wind bit passed them. "Ugh! It's too cold to argue! Come on, let's go Fuzzy!" Sanji and Zoro trudged through the icy blast seeing nothing but white in front of them. Both of them have never thought a place could get this cold.

Zoro felt colder than when he was half naked in drum kingdom, but this time he was fully clothed _and _wearing a jacket.

It seemed as though they were walking for hours and the couldnt see a single thing. "Where are we!" Zoro shouted over the wind.

"I don't know! We should find a place to stay put from this snow storm!" Said Sanji. Zoro and Sanji found a large Ice bolder that curved into a makeshift hollow facing adjacent to the wind. Both of them crouched down with their arms wrapped around there knees in an attempt to isolate warmth. Zoro was asleep within seconds, but it took Sanji more time to drift off to sleep.

Zoro woke up to silence. The only noise was Sanji's snoring and the soft whistling of the wind. "Sanji, wake up." Zoro nudged the blonde awake.

"What?" Sanji yawned.

"We have to keep going."

"Man, how long were we asleep?" Sanji stretched as he looked around the frozen wasteland.

"It's still a little bright out so I guess we weren't here to long." he replied. "I wonder how Luffy and Usopp are holding up." Zoro wondered out loud.

"I'm sure their fine,come on lets go."

They continued their trek across the icy desert. They've been walking for nearly over an hour and they still came up with nothing. It was also getting dark.

"I'm starting to think that this place has nothing but snow, ice, and more snow!" Zoro grumbled kicking a piece of ice.

"I'd never thought I'd say this, but you're probably right, we should probably head back." Said Sanji.

"There's only one problem. We don't know where back _is_." Zoro pointed out. They both looked all around them.

"Hey, do you see what I see?" Zoro squinted while looking off into the distance. Zoro could swear he could see lights in the distance.

"What?" Sanji looked in the direction where the swordsman was pointing out. Sabji could see what he was talking about, but he wasn't sure what to make of it. "We should check it out. There might be a civilization here after all." they moved forward faster this time eager to get at least some real shelter.

As they got closer, the realized that it was a huge sign of neon light's that said _North Pole_. Huge pillars of candy cane structures boarded the big seemingly gingerbread door. "It's the north pole." Sanji breathed.

"Are you sure? Doesn't it look a bit sketchy?" Zoro said skeptically.

"Well, I guess you're kind of right. Come on, let's check it out." Both Sanji and Zoro worked together to pull the giant double doors open. What they saw was not what they expected. It looked more like a pollution inducing factory rather than Santa's workshop.

Toxic waste flowed into the already dirty water. The air was thick with the smell of burning coal and other smells that would make you go into a coughing fit.

"Look there's the door to the factory." Zoro pointed. They walked up to the door and rang the door bell which was in the shape of a Christmas reef. They didn't wait long until someone answered the door.

Hey couldn't believe their eyes. "S-santa-sama?"

The only thing that would give you a hint that he's Santa was the suit and beard. He looked old, sickly, and pale. He was practically skin and bones since his clothes hung off him since they look ten times too big.

"Yes, it's me. What is it." He spoke as if he were the most depressed person in the world. He then started to cough so hard that his legs nearly buckled under him. Sanji tried to help him, but Santa waved his hand dismissively. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

"You're Santa? I thought you were supposed to be...you know... jolly." Zoro asked. Santa sighed sadly.  
>"I was, but those were simpler times. I loved my work and they love me. But the world's population kept growing and growing, I find it harder and harder to keep up with the demand." He looked exhausted as he spoke. "Everyone wants more toys, fancier toys. Have you ever tried making an iPod?"<p>

"Oh that reminds me, I need the new version of Quicken." Sanji said.

"All this manufacturing pollutes the environment. I think the that has taken more of a toll than the inbreeding."

"Inbreeding?"

"Come and take a look." He invited them in to see. Inside did indeed look just like a factory filled with tiny elves. But something looked a bit off about them.

"I used to have one family of elves, but as the years passed I needed more and more to keep up with the demand. But they've all mutated from the strong radiation. Sixty-percent of them are born blind." They looked around as mutant elves mindlessly worked on toys by a conveyer belt. "Now they all go off of instinct and some just eventually go out into the snow and die."

As if on cue, an elf walked outside and collapsed into the snow. "And that's not the worst part. The reindeer have also developed a taste for elf flesh changing them as well." Santa said. Suddenly monstrous looking reindeer came out of nowhere and devoured the dead elf's body.

"Whats wrong with this place? It's a horror show out here!" Sanji said frantically.

"How could you let this happen?" Zoro asked.

"Me? I didnt do this. Christmas did!" Santa said angrily. Intense music started playing as Santa started singing:

"_Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal__ with a silvery zeal_

_As the holiday feeling was filling us._

_But now instead, all we're feeling is dread because Christmas time is killing us!"_

The elves sung in unison:

"_Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed_

_Till the thought existence is chilling us._

Santa this time:

"_I'll tell you what shove your list up your but because Christmas time is killing us!"_

Sanji sang up next to see the lighter part of things:

"_But can't you see that what you do_

_Is a dream come true?_

_Can't you see that every smile makes it all worthwhile?"_

Santa didn't agree with him:

"_No, screw you! It's all but through,_

_There's too much to do._

_All those dreams are nightmares_

_And blank icy stares!"_

"_Each little elf use to fill up a__ shelf_

_Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us._

_Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq_

_Because Christmas time is killing us!_

The elves sang as the made trains:

"_Each model train only heightens the pain _

_Of the workload that's straining and drilling us."_

Santa sang out:

"_Fingers all bleed. And look! That guy just peed_

_Because Christmas time is killing us!_

Sanji tried once again to sing of optimism:

"_But can't you see our point of view?_

_We rely on you._

_Can't you see that Christmas cheer _

_Gets us through the year?_

Santa sang next:

"_My whole crew is black and blue_

_Cant you take a clue_

_You may think I look great_

_But I'm 28!"_

Santa and the elves sang together:

_Each jingle bell is a requiem knell,_

_And while you think it's swell_

_We are toiling in hell!"_

Only Santa this time:

"_Take a look you can tell, as_ _a man I'm a shell!_

Santa and the elves again.

"_Because Christmas time is killing us!_

_Killing us!_

_Christmas time is killing us!"_

When they were done with the song Santa started to go into a coughing fit. It was worse than last time because he fell face first onto the ground, his mouth pooling blood.

* * *

><p>Zoro and Sanji stood by Santa's bed side. He was currently being looked after by a doctor elf the actually looked relatively normal.<p>

"Well, boys. He's in rough shape. There's no way he can go out tonight." The doctor elf said.

"But it's Christmas eve! How is he going to deliver the presents?" Sanji said.

"You don't understand. If Santa goes out tonight, he'll die!" The elf said gravely.

"You know what? We'll do it." Zoro spoke up.

"What?" everyone said at the same time.

"I finally see now. Sanji, you were right. Santa is real. Nd he needs our help." Zoro put a hand on Santa's. "Dont worry Santa. We'll deliver the toys for you."

"Oh, thank you Zoro. That put me at ease."Santa said closing his eyes.

"Is he going to be alright?" Sanji asked timidly.

"Yeah, as long as he's under my watch he'll be fine. But if you guys want to do this you'd better go now unless you want to run late."

Sanji and Zoro took no time in wrangling up the crazy wolf-like reindeer into their harnesses. Much to both of their inconveniences, they had to wear Santa outfits. "At least we're not wearing fat suits." Sanji joked.

They hopped into the slay and Sanji was in the driver's seat. "Why do you get to drive?" Zoro protested.

"Because you'd get us lost." Sanji said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Zoro groaned but did say anything more of it. Sanji whipped the reins. "Go! Gitty up! " the reindeer remained where they were standing. "Why aren't they moving?"

"Maybe they need to be coaxed." Zoro suggested. "Santa said they eat elf flesh." They looked around.

"Oh um, excuse me!" Sanji spotted an elf that was randomly standing there with its back turned. "Sir! Mr. Elf! Sir! Hello? Young man?" Sanji called from the slay. The elf didn't respond.

Sanji turned to Zoro. "I don't think he even knows where he is."

"Do you wanna just..."

"Oh uh, yeah I'll...try and...do it I guess..." Sanji hopped out of the slay and walked up to the oblivious elf. "Hey." He greeted first. No response. "Little fella." He bent down to touch it's shoulder. No response. Sanji stared at it awkwardly. He kept his eyes on it as he took out a switch blade he sometimes carries around. He took the elf's arm and started sawing through it until the whole arm came off. Even with that the elf didn't react. It just stared blankly forward looking at nothing in perticular.

Sanji suggested in his mind that it must somehow be dead. "Um...ok." Sanji stepped back from it. "Bye!" Sanji waved at it with it's own arm. He quickly walked back to the slay.

Zoro grabbed a fishing pole from the bag of presents and hooked it up to the elf arm. He tossed the line in front of the reindeer. They started to growl and get excited as they galloped towards it. Zoro lifted it up and the reindeer followed the piece of flesh into the air.

Zoro tossed it away as they were finally on course. They were in the air flying into the night. "Hey Zoro, look. One reindeer pooped in the other reindeers face and the other reindeer kind of ate it...isn't Christmas magical." Sanji sighed.

"Alright, according to the map, we're heading towards the North Blue. Get ready to land." Sanji noted. They flew over a nice looking town on a populated island. "Alright Zoro this is it, our first house. I'm going to land on that roof." Sanji pointed before he whipped the reins. The slay went into a nose dive towards the houses.

"Why are we tilting?" Zoro asked grabbing onto the dash board.

"I've never drivin' anything like this before, ok!"Sanji pulled on the riens in an attempt to lighten up the speed.

"Where going in to fast! Look out!" Zoro yelled. Sanji barely dodged the trees and other houses until the went through a tree and flew towards their target house. "AHHHHH!" they both shouted as they bumped and skidded across the roof. Both Sanji and Zoro shot out of the slay and slid head first onto the snow covered roof.

"Alright, it's in and out of this house and onto the next one." Sanji said optimistically brushing of the snow from his suit.

"What about the reindeer?" Zoro gestured at the growling reindeer that were tangled awkwardly into the big tree.

"Eh, we'll cut them down afterwards; now let's get down the chimney." Sanji said then slid quietly down the chimney followed by Zoro. Sanji made a clean landing until Zoro crashed into him. "Ah! Bitch!"

Zoro ignored Sanji and got up. "Lets put the presents under the tree." Said Zoro.

"Alright, you have em'?"

"I thought you had em'."

"Oh, for the love of god, there still in the slay!"

"Oh crap! On the roof?"

Suddenly they heard a loud screeching noise come from the roof. The slay crashed onto the front yard. "No it's...it's in the yard." Sanji said. Both of them raced outside and collected the presents for this house. Zoro carried his load to the door. He twisted the knob.

"Oh my god." Zoro said in exasperation.

"Did you unlock the door when we came out?"

"No, you were the last one out!"

"Well, how the hell do we get back inside?"

"Alright, find a rock." Zoro through the rock through the window and cleared the broken glass so he could climb through. He opened the door for Sanji and grabbed his load of the presents and dropped them by the tree.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" Sanji asked Zoro.

"I'm putting out the presents." Zoro said.

"Not like that your not. Tall in the back, short in the front. And show some care for god sake, these aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department by some battered women's shelter, these are Santa-sama's gifts." While Sanji talked Zoro helped himself to the milk and cookies. "Zoro, you know, you have to- wha, what are you doing? Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantle?"

"What, they left it out for Santa. _We're _Santa." Zoro reasoned.

"Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it. You take a _bite_ and a sip of milk! That's how the kids know Santa-sama was here!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"I'm not yelling at you, I'm just telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa-sama was here!"

Ok, how about this."Zoro poured all the milk on to the carpet. "Oh look, now they'll know that he's here, see." Zoro said stubbornly. This made Sanji angry.

"Stop it!"

"Look I'm here giving out free presents! I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even just make a sandwich!" Zoro said then walked off towards the kitchen.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"I'm going into to the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich or gets some chips or somethin'." Zoro disappeared into the kitchen. Sanji followed him angrily. He found Zoro already going through the cabinates.

"Zoro, knock it off!" Sanji said as Zoro forced a back of chips open, causing the contents to scatter everywhere.

"Aw, man." Zoro looked down at the wasted food on the floor.

"You jackass!" Sanji shouted. Suddenly the lights came on. Zoro and Sanji froze.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" a man stood at the kitchen doorway looking disgruntled.

"Uh...hello." Zoro said.

"What are you doing in my house?" he demanded.

"We're Santa Clause...es"

"Yeah, your Santa Clause, that why you broke in through the window!" he said sarcastically. "I'm calling the marines!" he grabbed the snail phone and dialed a number.

"No no no! I can explain!" Zoro said first going up to the guy and smiling. "W-we came down through the chimney, but we forgot the presents." Zoro laughed nervously. "I-t's actually a funny story-"

Sanji came out of nowhere and smashed the guy over the head with a baseball bat. Blood splattered everywhere even Zoro's face.

"_What the hell did you do_!" Zoro yelled wiping the blood off of his face.

"He was going to call the marines, man! You can't call the marines on Santa-sama!" Sanji yelled back. "Now help me move this guys body." They dragged the man's unconscious body to a closet in the living room also leaving a trail of blood. Sanji used the bat the push him inside.

The guys seemed to opens his eyes again. "Ugh! He's still alive!" Sanji beat him until he was down for good. "Alright, tie him up, I'm gonna make it look like a burglary." Sanji took that bat and knocked over furniture.

"Alright l-let's just go!" Zoro said when he was done tying up the dead body.

"Right, right. I'm just going to rewrapp this bat for, um...johnny." Sanji read the name on the card. "I need to clean his father's blood and hair off it first."

"Daddy! I want a drink of water!" A little girl called from upstairs.

"Shit!" Zoro cursed. As the blonde child came downstairs rubbing her eye from sleep, she saw Zoro and Sanji.

"Heeeey, there, how ya doin'" Sanji tried to sound cheerful.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Santa-sama."

"Your Santa-sama!" she yipped in excitement. Right at that moment her mother came downstairs.

"Who are you?" the woman's voice was filled with fear. "Where's Dan?" she looked to see where the body fell out of the closet. She gasped.

"Oh my god!" she grabbed the girl and made a run for the door.

"Oh crap!" Zoro cursed. Sanji sprang into action tackling the women on to the floor causing the child to roll out her arms. She stuggled to try and pry Sanji off.

"Help! Help!" She cried.

"Quick Zoro! Get the bat!" Sanji called. Zoro grabbed the bat and knocked the women unconscious.

"Mommy!" the tiny girl cried. She went over and cried over her body.

"It's ok! It's ok!" Zoro consoled. "Sanji! Get some duck tape!" Zoro ordered.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Sanji frantically went through drawers eventually finding duck tape. He tossed it over to Zoro where he taped over the girls mouth and the rest of her body.

"Alright, let go get this place cleaned up!" Zoro said.

* * *

><p>When they were finished mopping and wiping up blood Sanji asked Zoro to check on the other kid.<p>

"What other kid?"

"You know, the one who's getting the bat."

"Oh right." Zoro sprinted upstairs. "Sanji there's only one bedroom up here!" Zoro called from upstairs.

"What? Do you have a brother?" Sanji asked the kid. She shook her head. "Then who the hell is joh- oh my god we're in the wrong house." Sanji came to a sudden realization. He then heard sirens and they were off in the distance. "Dammit we tripped the elarm, Zoro! The marines are comin', let's go!"

Zoro hurried downstairs. "What? We're leaving like _this_? What about no ruining Christmas?"

"It's already ruined! This was _one_ house, we've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and a- first of all, we're not even Santa anymore; this has just been a home invasion, but an hour and a half Zoro! It's going to be light in six hours and we still have to deliver to the whole entire world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!"

"No wonder Santa lost his mind, this is ridiculous! We cant do this!"

"Nobody can, it's inhuman!"

"Come on lets get out of here!" They raced outside and into the slay that was still in tact. "Ah damn, what about the reindeer!"

"To hell with the reindeer, look there all eating each other anyway!" Sanji pointed out that they were in fact eating each other. "Besides, we dont need them. Theres something on here in case of emergencies! Hang on!" Sanji warned pushed a button and the slay sprouted wings and jetted of into the sky in just enough time before the marines could arrive.

They have been flying for a while before Sanji spoke. "That. Was. A disaster."

"I cant believe it. We were suppose to save Christmas and we completely blew it!" Zoro said.

"We failed Santa-sama..." Sanji looked down in disapointment.

"No. We didnt fail Santa. The world failed Santa." Zoro said. "He gives and gives and gives and everyone just takes it for granted. Hell, I didn't even think he existed until last night!"

"What are we going to do now? Christmas is doomed!"

"Maybe. But there is one thing we can do. Move over." Zoro took the wheel and they rode off into the sky.

Luffy opened his eyes. He had already returned to the ship before Zoro and Sanji did and wondered where they were. But then he realized what day it was. "CHRISTMAS!" he jumped forn joy waking everyone in the room.

"Christmas? Christmas!" Chopper, Usopp and Brook said at the same time. They raced out into the deck looking forward to what they had gotten.

"Presents, presents!" They chanted. There cheers died down when they saw that the bottom of the Christmas tree was clear. No presents no nothing. Gasps rung through the air.

* * *

><p>Later in the day, Franky tried his best to fix up the old video transponder snail to actually watch the news for once. Everyone sat on the deck awaiting an explanation as they tried to get Chopper to stop crying.<p>

"Got it!" Franky said as the flat monitor came on.

"_Attention, Santa has gone missing." _ An important looking man showed up on the screen. "_If there's no Santa this year, I guess we can call Christmas cancl-_

_ "No wait!" _Zoro's face popped up on the screen.

_ "_Zoro?" Luffy sat closer to the screen.

_ "__You want to know what happened to Christmas?" _Zoro asked turning the camera to Sanji who rolled in a sickly Santa Clause in a wheel chair. There was gasps around the room.

_ "__It's Santa-sama!"_

_ "Santa-sama!"_

_ "Yes, it's Santa." _The camera was back on Zoro_.__ "This poor man has been so over worker with all the greed and avarice. So if everyone could just wish for at least one present a year. Then if not. We might lose Christmas all together."_

_ "Well, there you have it folks." _The camera was back on the news reporter. "_One present a year. Can we live with that?"_

_ "_I can live with it." Luffy said first.

"I cant too." Chopper said boldly.

"Me too!" Usopp said. The whole crew agreed to be ok with it.

Back at the news station. "Hey wait! Isnt that Demon Hunter Roronoa Zoro and Blackleg Sanji!" Someone screamed.

"Aw, fuck! Lets get out of here!" they both headed for the door.

* * *

><p><strong>Narrator: <strong>And so, the world then on only wished for on gift every year. And as for those two crazy pirates, they were able to get away before the marines showed up. Eventually they made it back to the crew in no time. After all, they need to celebrate the birthday of a certain docter...


End file.
